Windrix Hall - 50

Fandom: The Outsiders
Pairing: Johnny/Sodapop
Genre: Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to S.E. Hinton
Authors: Zayhad & M3535


Chapter 50 – “What the Hell Are You Doing?”

Johnny had not gone to his classes the past few days so Ponyboy had not had a chance to talk to him. But today he walked into Spanish class right when the bell rang and sat down at the other side of the room, pretending not to see Pony.

After class, Pony caught him by the arm before he could give him the slip. 

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded. "Why did you dump Soda?"

Johnny bent his head, avoiding Pony's gaze. When the other teen repeated the question, keeping a firm grip on his arm, Johnny answered in a low voice, "I can't tell you..."

"What do you mean you can't tell me? I'm your best friend! You break my brother's heart and you can't tell me?" said Pony and gave Johnny's arm a little shake. He was just so angry.

Johnny didn't look up. "That's right. It’s none of your business, anyways," he said without emotion. He heard Victor and Harry say something not far away and he knew they were watching.

"None of my business? Have you any idea what you've done to him? He's a mess! He doesn't talk, he doesn't eat - he just cries and sleeps and stares at the ceiling!"

"I'm sorry." Johnny's voice was still low. He couldn't stand hearing about how much Soda hurt. He just wanted to call him or run home to him and cuddle up beside him.

"I can't believe you! And that story you gave him about being too committed? Bullshit! You loved every bit of affection and every second of attention he gave you! And every time he talked about you two doing stuff together after graduation - you loved that to. So I don't buy it! Soda might, because he's heard it before and he’s starting to believe that it's his own fault - that he really suffocates his relationships. But I don't!"

"Look - I just…" Johnny had trouble figuring out what to say to get Ponyboy to stop asking. What he had said was a lie and Pony knew it. Yes, Johnny had loved it all. He had looked forward to moving in with Soda and couldn’t imagine ever getting too much of him. "I just can't talk about it, okay? And now I have to go study. "

He had to get away, get back to his dorm and be alone. He should just have skipped school again that day. What was the point, anyway?

"Is it because you're scared? You care that much about what others think about you? You can't take it when they make fun of you and say nasty stuff about being gay? Because you know, Soda had your back. We all did!"’

Johnny finally shook his arm free and headed for the door. 

Yes, he had been upset about the others bullying him, but Pony couldn’t have been more wrong – Johnny would never dream of breaking up for that reason. He needed Soda and he knew that Soda had taken care of him. Now Johnny was taking care of Soda. Making sure he stayed safe. Even if it meant losing him in his life. 

"Fine!" yelled Ponyboy after him. "Be like that! But don't count on me any longer - I ain't your friend no more!"

Johnny stopped for a second and took a deep breath as tears threatened to spill, but then kept walking. Maybe it was better that way. If they stayed friends, Pony would keep pushing him for answers and Johnny wasn't sure he would be able to keep fending him off.

Ponyboy was so angry he gave his school bag a good kick before picking it up and heading for the dining hall. He wasn't in the mood for sitting there, so he went into the kitchen instead. 

The kitchen door slammed and it made Mrs. Harris turn, looking rather surprised. "What kind of entrance is that, young man?" she said, crossing her arms, but then noticed the look on Pony's face and her voice turned concerned. "What's wrong, sugar?"

"Oh..." said Ponyboy. “You haven't heard? About Soda and Johnny?"

Come to think of it, she probably hadn't. Not unless Steve, Evie, or Cathy had been by the kitchen. Or Johnny himself. 

"No," she said and leaned back against the counter. "What happened?"

Ponyboy told her the story and her mouth fell open. "No... I can't believe that!"

"What can't you believe, Miss Shirley?" Two-Bit said as he walked in. "Did Pony start shaving?"

Mrs. Harris sighed and turned to him. "Sodapop and Johnny broke up."

Two-Bit looked like she had just told him the world was ending. "What? Why?"

"Johnny said Soda is suffocating him," said Ponyboy. "He's being so mean. He just shoved it in his face out of the blue. Didn't even give him a chance. And he won't answer Soda's calls or texts or anything. Soda is devastated! Hasn't come out from his room since."

o0o0o0o0o0o

Sodapop was half-asleep when he heard the door to his room open and someone come in. Damn. Sleeping was the only break he got. A brief escape from the agony. When Nathan had dumped him, he had thought that nothing could possibly make him feel any worse. Boy, had he been wrong. This was ten times worse.

"Soda," sounded Ponyboy's gentle voice. "Won't you come out and eat? Mrs. Harris gave me food to bring home. It smells real good."

Sodapop shook his head. He didn't think he could eat - even if he had wanted to. His stomach felt like a rock.

"Soda... I don't think Darry's gonna put up with you much longer. It's been nearly a week now. He doesn't understand you can be this upset over a heart-break. You know what he's like."

Darry hadn't even cried when their parents had died. At least not while Pony had seen it. He had arranged the funeral and taken care of everything without showing any signs of emotion. How could he possibly understand how much the loss of Johnny was hurting Soda?

Sodapop didn't answer, so Ponyboy went into the kitchen to tell Darry.

"He won't come out..."

Darry sighed. "Well, he’s going to have to snap out of this. I ain't putting up with it no more."

He put down his newspaper and walked into Soda's room.

"All right, Pepsi Cola. I’ve let this go on long enough. It's fine that you're sad and all, but life goes and you ain't staying cooped up in here one more day."

"Leave me alone," said Soda in a monotonous voice.

"No," Darry said and pulled the blanket off Soda. "I ain't leaving you alone. You get your butt out here and get some food. I don't care if it's only a mouthful. You’re eating and then you're taking a shower."

Darry hated to be mean to Soda like this, but it was for his own good. Somebody had to get him going again.

Soda didn't move. Maybe Darry would go away if he ignored him.

"Soda – get out of bed," repeated Darry. "You have to think about other things than him and that ain’t happening if you lie here all day. You got other people that care about you."

Sodapop knew on some level that Darry was right. He just wasn't ready yet. He didn't know when he would be, but not yet.

Darry sighed. "Fine... But at least don't shut Pony out. It's killing him." He stopped in the door on his way out. “I’m putting the food in the fridge. I expect you to come out and eat it."

Ponyboy came in again after dinner.

"Soda..." he said, running a hand through his brother's hair repeatedly. “Please get up. Please stop being so miserable. You'll find love again. Someday..."

"No. Never again. I'm done with that. The people I love don't want me. And Johnny is... I'll never be able to love anyone else..."

"You thought the same thing about Nathan," Pony reminded him.

"No. This is different. I love Johnny a thousand times more."

"Soda," said Pony again and rested his forehead against Sodapop's shoulder. "Please get up. We love you and miss you. Steve misses you too. And Misty. I bet she doesn't understand why you don't come down to the stables no more."

Sodapop finally decided to get up. For his brothers’ sake. He knew how much he meant to them, and he couldn't keep letting them down.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Dinnertime was over in the dining hall but yet again Johnny had not attended. He didn't dare sit in the same room as Steve and the others. He was pretty sure they all hated him now. But it was okay. He hated himself too.

Just as he passed the kitchen, a familiar voice called his name. Johnny turned and spotted Mrs. Harris.

"Hello, sugar," she said and waved him over. She studied the teen and sighed. He looked miserably. His smile was gone, his eyes sunken, and his clothes was starting to hang on him. "I got some extra food if you want to eat alone?"

Johnny stood there for a second, feeling like an animal being lured into a trap, but then decided to go with her. He sat down in the kitchen and Mrs. Harris put a plate of food in front of him.

As he raised a piece of bread to his mouth, Mrs. Harris asked, "Are you okay?"

Johnny put the bread down. "I… I’m fine,” he said slowly.

"Then why do you look like you're on the edge of a break down, honey?"

Johnny could feel a lump form in his throat. "I... I can't tell you. I don't wanna talk about it."

Mrs. Harris sighed and went to the counter to clean up. "Well, just tell me this -" she said slowly, her back to Johnny. “If you’re so miserable without Sodapop - which you clearly are - why did you break up with him?"

She waited a bit, but when there was no answer she turning around, seeing that Johnny had left. He had also left the food. Untouched.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Johnny hurried down the hall and outside. He couldn't be around anyone. No matter whom he was near, they asked him about the break up. They all wanted to know why and did not take his request to stop asking seriously. They demanded an explanation. He had none. Tears were running down his face as he ran towards the stables. He wasn't even sure why he went there. That was probably the place that reminded him the most of Sodapop. Why confront himself with these memories?

A well-known sound met his ear as he walked inside. Whinnying, Sylvester stuck his head out over the half door of his stall and did a toss with his head, as though inviting Johnny over.

Johnny walked over and ran a hand down the pony's head, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

"I dunno how many times I'll be coming by anymore," he said. He looked to the side and spotted Misty who had also stuck her head out. Johnny gave the horse a gentle smile but the sight of Sodapop’s mare only made him cry harder.

"I really love him, Misty. I do." He turned back to Sylvester. "He wasn't too clingy. He was perfect."

He sobbed and threw his arms around Sylvester’s neck and felt happy that the old pony didn't pull away. He just stood there and let Johnny hug him.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Darry gave Sodapop a few more days before demanding that he go back to school. Soda had mixed feelings about it. He hated having to walk around among people, having to answer all sorts of questions. And he would see Johnny. On one hand he was longing for it, because he missed him so much; on the other it would be torture seeing him and not being with him.

Steve greeted Soda in the front hall and swung an arm around his shoulder. "Good to see you, buddy!" he said in a cheery voice, trying to make Soda feel welcome. He knew that this was hard on him but he was determined to make him feel better. Steve had seen very little of Johnny and he hoped it stayed that way. Soda needed space.

Sodapop forced a small smile and followed Steve into the classroom. The other students turned to stare. Some started whispering together and one asked, "Dude - what happened to you? You look like shit! Been sick again?"

"Somethin' like that..." mumbled Sodapop and sat down at a table in the back of the room.

People kept turning around to sneak peeks at him and gossip. Soda heard someone say that his boyfriend had broken up with him.

After class, a girl named Claire walked up to him, swaying her hips and smiling flirtatiously. “I hear you're single again. How about a date to cheer you up?"

Soda looked at her with a blank expression. Oh, no. If all the girls were going to start having a go at him when they learned that he was single... He wasn't sure he could deal with that right now

"Make like a tree and leave, sweetheart!" Steve said as he leaned over. "He ain't the move-on-in-a-week kind of guy!"

o0o0o0o0o0o

As they walked down the hall towards Geography, they passed a couple of Socs standing by the lockers.

"Hey, Diet Coke - been missing out on your beauty sleep lately? You look pretty crappy!" said Bob in a gleeful tone.

"Fuck off, Sheldon," Steve snarled.

"Oh, my. Good thing you got Randle there to defend you since you can't talk yourself," David laughed.

Seeing how Sodapop looked made David feel great. He had been so tired of his happy-go-lucky attitude and how he always had some snappy comeback. That was over now.

"Come on," Steve said and pulled Soda with him. 

Just as they started walking, Steve spotted Johnny further down the hall. He looked just as awful as Sodapop did. Steve hoped that neither of them had seen each other, but seeing that Johnny suddenly turned around and headed the other way, it was obvious that he had.

Yeah, you better run, you little prick.

But Sodapop had seen Johnny too, and without stopping to consider, he went after him. Johnny started running as soon as he heard the rapid footsteps behind him, but Soda was faster and caught up with him. He turned him around by the shoulder to face him. 

"Johnny..." he said, feeling a lump in his throat.

Startled, Johnny’s head snapped up. Looking Soda in the eyes made his knees go weak. How he had missed him so much and was longing to kiss him. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes and quickly looked away.

Seeing the tears in Johnny’s eyes Sodapop instinctively pulled him into his arms to comfort him. Before Johnny had time to react, he buried his face in his neck. 

"S-Soda, please..." Johnny tried to push Sodapop away, but he was so weak and tired he had very little strength left. "Soda, please," he repeated in a low voice, trying to keep his voice steady. "I... I can't do this. I can't see you."

"Yes, you can," said Soda, not letting go. "Didn't you get my texts? I can stop being clingy. I'll be however you want me to be. Just give me another chance!"

"I can't," Johnny cried and kept trying to push him away. "It’s for the best. Believe me!" 

He finally got Sodapop pushed off and sprinted towards the dorms.

Steve walked up to Soda who just stood there, teary-eyed, looking after Johnny. "I think it’s best you stay away from him, man. He’s screwing with your head."

Steve realized that it was going to take a very long time for Sodapop to get over Johnny.

"Wow..." a voice sounded behind them. Steve looked over his shoulder and spotted David standing with his arm around a smiling Sandy. “That pathetic. And touching in a way,” David grinned. "Tell me, Sodapop. Are you always this pathetic when there’s something you can’t have?"

"Why don't you drop dead!" Steve yelled.

Sodapop just turned slowly and began walking down the hallway, his feet dragging.

o0o0o0o0o0o

It had been nearly a month and Sodapop didn't feel any better. Oh, he would tell people he was fine, but any idiot with eyes in their head could see that he was far from it. He didn't really live; he merely existed. He went to school and did the things that a person has to do, and he turned up for Pony's track practice. Ponyboy knew he only did these things for his and Darry's sake. 

Ponyboy ignored Johnny in class, saw right through him as if he didn't exist. He did notice how absolutely miserable he looked, though, and sometimes he was just about to take pity on him, but then he remembered how miserable Johnny had made Soda and it hardened him. It was Johnny's own fault if he was unhappy. 

Sodapop had started riding and competing again. Not because it made him feel better (nothing did), but because, in Darry's words: the team needed him and it wasn't their fault he was unhappy; and in Dally's words: he better get his ass up on that horse and train (and he better make it good) if he didn't want to change his permanent address to "County Hospital".

This weekend was the second last competition in the tournament and it was held at Windrix Hall. Their team was second in the overall standings so far, so there was a lot of pressure on the home team to do well so they could try to take the lead as well as keep the team in third place behind them. 

o0o0o0o0o0o

"So," Steve said as he and Sodapop sat down for lunch in the dining hall. "Are you ready for the big day tomorrow?" 

He hoped that talking about the things that Soda loved would coax a smile from him. It had been a while since he had last smiled, even though Steve had done all he could to cheer him up. Since the day Soda had last hugged Johnny, he had made an almost total emotional withdrawal. He didn't smile or laugh at anything. He just walked around. Did what he had to but with no gusto. 

"I guess..." said Soda and nibbled at his roll. 

"You just gotta focus, man."

"I will. Don't worry, I don't wanna disappoint people."

o0o0o0o0o0o

Johnny sat in his room. He always did that between classes and Tyler brought him some food occasionally, although Johnny didn’t eat much of it. Tyler had tried to ask him about the whole Soda thing, but Johnny had just told him that if he didn't stop, Johnny wouldn’t talk to him either. He had already shut everyone else out (of those who actually wanted to talk to him, such as Mrs. Harris). Tyler apparently didn’t want to be shut out, because he had not brought up the subject again. 

Johnny leaned back against the bedframe. This weekend, Soda was going to ride at Windrix Hall. Johnny considered going. He would of course stand in the back, but he really would like to see Soda ride Misty and maybe smile, doing what he loved. Johnny always loved to see Soda on that horse. He looked so happy and full of life.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Saturday arrived and Sodapop got on the horse to start warming up. Ponyboy, Darry, Cathy, Steve, Evie, Two-Bit, and Mrs. Harris were all standing at the fence, watching. 

"Damn," said Steve. "I forgot my cell. I'll just go get it. I'll be quick."

On his way to his dormitory, Steve ran into Johnny. He was wearing a jacket as if on his way outside. Steve stopped in front of him. 

"Are you planning on going to the competition?"

Johnny took a step back, looking anxiously up at Steve. "I... I was thinking about it. It's a f-free country and all."

Steve stepped up close to Johnny and said in an icy voice, “Look, if you care anything about Soda, you stay the hell away, you hear me?"

Johnny's eyes widened as Steve's voice turned hostile. 

"He has to focus and he can't do that if he sees you there. You already fucked him over completely, and you’re not gonna ruin this as well for him, you got that?"

Johnny gulped. He felt stunned all of a sudden and just nodded as his eyes went blank and emotionless.

"Good," said Steve and hurried off to get his phone.

"Of course I’ll ruin it for him," Johnny mumbled to himself as he turned and slowly walked back to his dorm.

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Oh, there you are,” said Tyler when Johnny opened the door. “You ready to go? They’re starting soon." 

Johnny stood quiet for a second, watching Tyler zip up his jacket. Then he put on a fake smile. "You know... I just remembered I'm really behind on some school work. I really should be doing that instead."

Tyler looked at him a little skeptically. "You sure? It’s just a few hours. Can't you do it later?"

Johnny just shook his head and sat down on his bed. "No, I really should be doing it. I’m way behind, and finals are just around the corner and all."

Tyler scratched his neck. "Well, okay... I'll tell you about it when I come back, okay?"

o0o0o0o0o0o

Dallas cursed as he realized that he had forgotten his race number. He quickly rode back to the stables, tied Tornado to the post outside and went in. He was rummaging through his things when he heard voices coming from the tack room. 

"Man. I’m almost a little bummed that the Cade kid went on and broke up with Curtis."

Dallas stepped up beside the door and listened. He recognized David’s voice.

"Me too. I was kind of looking forward to sabotaging his saddle, but I guess we better keep our end of the deal, since he kept his." 

It was Bob talking this time. 

"What the fuck..." mumbled Dallas to himself.

"It's too late now, anyway. He’s already on the horse. But who knows – maybe he will crash without our help. Like that other time. He doesn’t exactly use his brain when he rides. Or any other time, for that matter."

Several people laughed.

Dallas stood for a second digesting what he had heard. They had planned to sabotage Sodapop's horse? And Johnny had kept his end of the deal in breaking up with Sodapop? When all the pieces fell into place, Dally got a little mad. Not because he cared about either Curtis or Cade, he told himself, but because someone had planned sabotaging a rider from his team. He considered going in and giving them all a good beating, but there was no time - he needed to get back to the course. 

"Later," he told himself, snatched his race number, and headed outside. 

o0o0o0o0o0o

Johnny sat on his bed for a little while, looking out the window. The sky was gray but a few spots of blue had started to break through. It looked pretty. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes again as he thought about what Soda might be doing just now. Maybe he was already in the saddle, riding through the course and looking as stunning as he always did on horseback.

Johnny got up and walked over to Tyler’s bed. He stood there for a few minutes, eying the nightstand drawer and then took a deep breath as he bent down to open it and take out a bottle of sleeping meds. He knew they were there. Tyler had offered him one a few times when Johnny had had trouble sleeping. Opening the bottle, he saw that there were about thirty pills left.

"It should be enough..." he said to himself and went over to the sink for a glass of water before going back to his own bed. 

He sat there for a while looking at the pills. There was no point anymore. Why should he stay here? There was nothing for him but agony, and he just kept hurting Soda every time he saw him, so maybe it was better if he wasn't here. Going home was not an option either. Even if his parents did let him move back… no he couldn’t bear going back to that life. But he couldn’t just leave Soda without him knowing that he wasn't the problem. Johnny didn’t want him to think that he was a clingy idiot who chased every love interest away.

Johnny took his phone and opened the messages that Soda had written him. Just looking at them, made his heart ache. Then he started to text. 

"I do love you, Soda. I always did. You’re the most wonderful person in the world.  I'm sorry. Please forgive me. For everything"

He wasn't sure if he should send it or not. He didn't want to ruin Soda's chances today, so he just put the phone on his nightstand, the message still on the display. 

Then without further hesitation, he started taking the pills. One by one. 

o0o0o0o0o0o

When Dallas came back to the course, he saw Sodapop squatting next to his horse, checking that her splint boots were all in place. Dally considered for a second telling him what he had heard but decided to wait until Sodapop had finished his ride. If he told him now, the idiot would just throw everything aside and run off to find the kid. 

"Make it good, Curtis," he said as Soda got in the saddle. 

Steve and the others stood on the sideline as Soda rode onto the course. He seemed to have it all under control, going fast but slowing down for the difficult turns and obstacles, and they finished with no penalties and a decent time. 

Sodapop was greeted by friends and teammates as he rode out from the course.

"That was awesome!" said one of the girls on the team. "I bet even Dally doesn't have anything critical to say."

Sodapop forced a smile and made his way through the crowd. When he got a bit away he jumped off and loosened Misty's girth so she could be more comfortable. Dallas walked up to him and leaned against the fence. Soda thought for a minute he was going to compliment him on his ride but he didn't. Instead he said, casually:

"You know, I overheard something in the stables that might interest you."

As Dally told his story, Soda's eyes got bigger and bigger. Could this really be true? Could anyone be so vicious to make such a plan to ruin someone's lives like that? Just over a grudge! He thought about it for a minute. He guessed some people could. People like Sandy, Victor, and Harry. Also, why would Dally make up such a story? He had nothing to gain from it. And then it all made sense. There was no better explanation for Johnny’s sudden break-up and strange behavior. 

"Take her!" said Soda and tossed Misty’s reins to Dally. Then he raced off in the direction of the school. 

"Where’s Soda going?" Two-Bit asked as he saw Sodapop coming their way and then making a turn towards the school. 

"I have no idea," Steve said a bit worried. He asked Evie to stay there and save his seat as he took off after Sodapop. Ponyboy and Darry followed.

"Wait!" said Darry. "What the hell is going on? Why are you running like this?"

Sodapop stopped and turned around. "They set him up! Dallas heard them talking about it. They threatened Johnny, saying that if he didn't break up with me they would arrange a riding accident for me!"

They all stood stunned for a moment. Then Ponyboy broke the silence. "Soda - he's been really, really miserable. I've seen him in class. I couldn't understand it since he was the one who broke up, but now it makes sense. But he... he's looked really bad!"

o0o0o0o0o0o

After seeing Soda ride, Tyler decided to go to the dining hall to get some food. Maybe bring Johnny some as well so he could study better. Someone ran past him but stopped suddenly and went back to him. It was Sodapop.

"Hey, Sodapop, what’s up?"

"Where's Johnny?" 

"Well, he’s back at our dorm," Tyler said a little puzzled. Why was Soda so eager to see Johnny all of a sudden when he had stayed far away for weeks? 

"Um, Sodapop?" Tyler started just as Soda was about to run off again. "He was acting kind of strange when I left. He was supposed to go with me but changed his mind all of a sudden. I didn’t like leaving him to be honest."

Sodapop turned on his heel and ran for the sleeping quarters, Pony and Darry close behind. 

"Johnny!" yelled Soda and hammered on the dormitory door. 

There was no answer. Soda tried to open the door but found it locked. He called again and banged even harder. Still no answer.

Seeing the worry spread across Soda's face, Darry told him to step back. "Johnny?" he called. "If you're in there, step away from the door!"

He listen for an answer but as there was none, he took a few steps back before slamming his shoulder against the door. He felt it give but not quite enough, so he went for it again, this time knocking it down. 

oOooOo

To be continued...