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Tears into Wine - Chapter 21

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Fandom: The Outsiders
Pairing: Johnny/Sodapop
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Disclaimer: Characters and world belong to S.E. Hinton
Authors: Zayhad & M3535.



Chapter 21 – "How Can Loving Somebody Be Wrong?"

Ponyboy was completely exhausted. He could barely think straight. He felt like a small child, desperately wanting his mother. Instead, he clung to Sodapop, the second best thing, for comfort, not caring that he was the reason for the whole mess.

Soda was at a loss as to what to do. He needed to talk to Pony alone, but he was afraid to leave Johnny, who was also extremely upset, alone.

"Johnny... can you wait in here for a moment? If I make Darry promise not to come in here while I’m gone?"

Johnny nodded slowly and pulled his legs up to his chest. "G-go talk to Pony... It's important.”

Sodapop left his room with Pony hanging on him like a leach. He caught Darry's gaze and said, "If I go talk to Pony in his room, will you promise me to leave Johnny alone while I'm gone?"

Darry gave a small nod and Soda decided to trust him. Darry had always been a man of his word.

Soda sat Pony down on his bed and went to get some toilet paper to wipe his face. Then he sat down next to him, placing a hand on his neck.

"Pony," he started. "I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I was gonna tell you - cross my heart. I’m not sure about the others, but I always meant for you to know. I don't wanna keep secrets from you. It's just, Johnny's been so scared about people knowing, that I wanted to give him a little time to get used to the thought. Do you understand that?"

Ponyboy shrugged.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. You're the one I love most in the whole world."

Pony sniffed and asked, "Even more than Johnny?"

Sodapop sighed. "Yes. You can't really compare it, but yes. I would never choose anyone over you."

Ponyboy seemed to relax a bit.

"But I would really, really hate to have to choose, because I love him. More than I loved Sandy."

Pony swallowed. He remembered those nights where Sodapop had cried over Sandy and he really didn't want him to go through that again. It wasn't fair.

"Soda?"

"Mmm?"

"Why do you love him that way? I mean, he's a boy."

"You don't choose who you fall in love with, Pony. You'll learn that soon enough. It's just unusual for boys to fall in love with each other. But unusual doesn't mean wrong. It's just that a lot of people think it is, because most people are afraid of things they don't understand."

It made sense what Sodapop said. It always did. He had a way of making things simple, and Pony liked the way he viewed the world. If everybody was like Soda the world would be a wonderful place - Pony had always thought that.

"But... it's wrong. Everybody says so."

"How can loving somebody be wrong?"

Ponyboy didn't know.

"And Johnny..." Sodapop continued. "This is really good for him. When have you last seen him as happy as he has been for the last month?"

"Never," mumbled Pony.

"So how can you tell me it's a bad thing?"

"I don't know. I'm just so confused."

"I understand," said Soda and smiled at Ponyboy. "And you're really tired now. I think we should get some sleep and talk some more in the morning."

"I would like to talk to Johnny..."

"Now?"

Ponyboy nodded.

"Okay. I'll send him in here."

o0o0o0o0o0o

Johnny was still sitting in the corner of the room when Sodapop came back a good 30 minutes later. He seemed kind of happy, Johnny thought, so it couldn't be that bad.

"Is… is he okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. But he would like to talk to you," Soda said, kneeling down in front of Johnny.

"Do you think he hates me?" Johnny asked, clearly on the edge of tears.

Sodapop just shook his head and helped him to his feet. "It's gonna be okay," he said and put an arm around Johnny’s shoulder, leading him out of the room.

Darry looked up as they passed the living room and Johnny fixed his gaze on the floor. Sodapop lead him through to Pony's room without saying anything to Darry.

“It’ll be okay,” he said, before closing the door behind Johnny.

Johnny stood frozen, looking at Ponyboy, who was sitting on the bed, afraid of what would happen. Pony was always a sensible guy, but this was his favorite brother; the person he loved the most in this world. Did he think that Johnny had stolen him?

Ponyboy couldn't get himself to look directly at Johnny for the first minute or so. He didn't know what to say to him or how he felt about him. He was pretty sure he didn't hate him, though. But angry? Yeah. Hurt? Definitely.

"I ain't gonna jump ya if that's what ya think," he muttered, as Johnny just kept standing there with his back against the door, looking like a cow at the slaughterhouse.

Johnny fumbled a little with the hem of his t-shirt as he tried to build up some courage. "Lo-look, Pony. I'm real sorry, and… I understand if you hate me and all..."

He wasn’t really sure what to say. Ponyboy had every reason to hate him. He had gone behind his back, and Pony had asked him why he never talked about girls and he had just acted stupid. He should have told him back then.

Ponyboy sighed. "I don't hate you, Johnny. I just... I don't know. Could you come sit down?" he asked, patting the bed next to him.

Johnny eagerly sat down, looking at Pony with hopeful eyes.

"Did you know you didn't like girls?"

Johnny shook his head and looked down at his hands in his lap. "No, I didn't know. I knew I was afraid of them and in some way they didn't really interest me," he said slowly. "I guess when Soda asked if… if I wanted to try and kiss someone… I just took the chance. I didn't really think about it. Until later..."

"Until later? So you liked k... kissing him. And you never kissed anyone else... So how do you know it ain't just that you liked kissing someone, and it just happened to be Soda? Maybe you would like it with someone else, too? If you know what I mean..."

"I don't think so, Pony. It's... It's hard to explain." Johnny bit his lower lip and kept his head down. "I just know that it’s real. That it ain’t just some phase... I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

"But you don't just like kissing him. You... you love him?"

Of course he loved him. Everybody loved Sodapop. How could they not. But in that way?

"Yes. I'm sorry, Pony, I know that ain’t what you wanna hear," Johnny said.

Ponyboy didn't really know why it bothered him that Soda loved Johnny when it hadn't when it was Sandy. Was it because Johnny was a friend or that he was a guy? In a way he should feel better about it, because he knew Johnny would never treat Soda like Sandy had.

"Johnny... Does he make you feel real happy? I mean, would you be heartbroken if you had to end it?"

Johnny took a deep, shaking breath. He could barely stand the thought of having to break it off with Sodapop.

"Yeah. I would. Is… that what you want me to do?"

He gulped and felt tears threaten to overflow his eyes and he shut them tight. He felt like if he had to leave Soda, he pretty much had nothing more to live for. But he couldn't tell Pony that. He didn't want Pony to make his decision based on that.

Ponyboy sighed. "I don't you to break up because of me. He says he loves you more than he did Sandy, and I don't wanna make him unhappy... Or you."

"I... I just don't want us not to be friends anymore," Johnny sobbed and leaned forward. "I just really messed up this time. I didn't wanna hurt anyone and neither did he."

"I know you didn't. I'm not mad anymore..." said Pony, and pulled his friend into a hug.

Johnny sobbed against his shoulder and took a good hold of his friend’s shirt.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Darry looked up at Soda when he closed the door to Ponyboy's room behind him.

"So what’s going on now?" Darry asked and leaned forward in his chair.

"Pony's okay. I think he's making up with Johnny now.”

"As long as he’s not making out with him," Darry mumbled and leaned back. "Come and sit down. Let's have a talk. One without yelling."

Darry had calmed himself down so much that he would be able to actually think and understand. At least he would try, because it was becoming clear to him that Soda was not going to let this go.

Sodapop warily sat down on the chair opposite Darry. "I ain't letting him go, Darry. Not when Pony can accept it. He's the only one who could have made me do it. Listen, I know you're worried and all. But I’m willing to take the risk. And so is Johnny."

"And what if Pony gets beat up because his brother’s gay? And Johnny? He has enough problems sticking up for himself as it is. Are you willing to risk that? And what about your future - what are your plans there?"

Soda sighed. "Outsiders won’t find out, ‘cause we ain't gonna get caught. Who's gonna believe I'm gay anyway, when I've had several girlfriends and people know girls really like me? I'm just... Well I guess people associate me with girls. And I'm gonna keep flirting if that's what it takes. I'm sure Johnny'll understand.

"Is this really what you want, Soda?" Darry sighed. He wanted his brother to be happy. And it was his life. Not Darry's. And if Pony could accept it, then he should be able to as well, however much he hated to.

Sodapop nodded. "It is. And it would mean so much for me if you approve. Even if you don't like it..." Soda felt like a huge stone had fallen from his heart.

Darry sighed and rubbed his temples. He started to think about his parents and if they would have approved. Their mother had always said she would love them no matter what would they chose to do with their lives.

"I'll need time, so you might wanna tone down the romance around me… or anyone for that matter. And you should probably talk to Steve first thing tomorrow. And Dally, if you see him. I hate the thought of any of us fighting. It would be good for Johnny to make up with Dally as well. You know how he feels about him."

Sodapop suddenly got nervous. Dally had left in a rage. What if he had told someone? Would he? If he truly didn't care for Johnny anymore, then maybe he would. But he had only shouted at him when he left – he still hadn’t been able to lay a hand on him. Yeah, Sodapop needed to talk to him. He was sure Dally wasn't done beating him up, but that was something he would just have to take.

"Thank you, Darry. Really. You're a real great guy," he said and got up.

Darry just hummed.

"I should probably go to bed... Can I say goodnight to Johnny? I know he's still real scared and upset." Soda thought it was best to be polite and ask permission. It would make Darry feel more respected.

"Yeah… go ahead," Darry said. "I hardly think the two of you are gonna throw yourselves at each other right now. You make sure Pony’s okay as well. I'll have a talk with him in the morning."

o0o0o0o0o0o

Johnny was still clinging to Ponyboy as Sodapop came into the room.

"Hey, you two," Soda said and sat down next to them.

Johnny was exhausted and only managed a small hello. Ponyboy looked very tired as well but he kept his arms around his friend.

"Johnny… you better get to bed," Soda said and took a gentle hold of his arms to get him to let go of Ponyboy. "I'm gonna come back in a few, okay?” he said to Pony as he helped Johnny to his feet. “I am just gonna help Johnny to bed."

"Goodnight, Johnny. See you tomorrow."

Johnny turned his head to look at Pony and smiled. "Goodnight, Pony."

oOooOo

To be continued...
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